My Struggles: The Ugly Truth

Hello Internet Family! 

I haven’t posted in a really long time because honestly, life has gotten in the way.To update what feels like a very short few years we have endured a miscarriage, changed jobs, moved to a new city, lost loved ones, totaled 2 cars (ahem... Jonathan <cough, cough>), endured a Category 5 hurricane, moved to another new city, struggled with infertility, started new jobs, and found a new church. (When did we have time to breathe!?)

Some of you might be reading all of that and thinking how horrible it must’ve been. Maybe thinking, wow those are a lot of depressing things to have happened. Maybe you’re pitying us and the things that have happened. I don’t know? 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

You know, it’s funny... when I type all of those horrible (some not so horrible) things out on screen I realize that each of those actions served a purpose to bring us to where we are today. Each of those things whether good or bad were also filled with joyous moments in between where we were able to catch of a slight glimpse at God’s Sovereignty. 

 We often tried making plans (i.e. moving to Panama City, trying to make a baby, choosing the wrong job, etc) but they never worked out. I found myself sometimes questioning, why Lord!? 

My struggle with infertility is probably the area that I questioned the Lord the most in. I just couldn’t get on board with God’s plan. I had this belief that my value was held in being a mother and if I couldn’t do that then what good was I!? Satan likes for us to doubt God’s plan and I had started becoming a negative, sad, and doubting fool. 

I started to believe that God didn’t hear me, didn’t love me, and that he must be punishing me for some reason. Why Lord!? I found myself asking that quite often. We do that a lot don’t we? When things weren’t going our way.. I would pout, pray, cry, pray, plead and pray, beg, and guess what? Pray some more. Finally I'd had it. I was tired of carrying that burden. We all have them. No, yours may not be infertility, but we all have that thing in our lives that we would like to change. 

I’d had enough so I sought council in my mom, my sister’s, and a dear friend who all prayed with me and encouraged me not to let my doubts and selfishness get the best of me. Let me just say a big thanks to the Holy Spirit and King Solomon for Proverbs 15:22. 

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” 

During Life’s messy moments don’t be afraid to seek council. Life’s horrible moments can be faced with the Joy of the Lord if you allow him and others around you to help you through and lift you up. 

What have I learned from my battle with God? Well, one is that my value is not found in my ability to bear children, my ability to have a good job, or my ability to find a husband/be a good wife. My value is found in my Creator who made me with each and every flaw you see (or don’t see) today. My value is found in my relationship with my Creator and the time I spend with Him. Your value isn’t defined by the standards of this world. Let me say it again for the people in the back. YOUR VALUE ISN’T DEFINED BY THE STANDARDS OF THIS WORLD. You were created for the very moment you are in right now so think about how you are reflecting that to the one who loves you most. 

Long story, not-so-short, Jonathan and I have learned the hard way that it’s much better to let the Lord guide our path as opposed to hacking through the thorny brush that is our own path. Today I ask you to let those things go. Let go of the burdens holding you back. Let go of the pain from the past. Let go of the lies that satan whispers in your ear about what your life should or shouldn’t be. Let go of the negative things that aren’t letting you enjoy the joyous moments in between. 

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭